Monkeyland Gazette!

Rattlesnake Kung fu

Greetings to the Faithful!
We are moving stuff up to Monkeyland this week.
Lot of fun.
12 hour work day fun!
Believe me,
it’s a relief to get back on the typer and send out a message.

That said, the message today is…rattlesnakes!
We’re up at Monkeyland,
talking to the former owner,
and now the truth comes out.
When he was selling the property it was,
‘oh, we never see snakes around here.’
Now that the property is sold he says,
‘Had a rattlesnake crawl in the house last week.
Only one button on the tail,
couldn’t hardly hear the fellow.
The young uns are the deadliest, you know.
They latch on and they don’t know how to let go,
just keep right on pumping that poison into you.

monkey kung fu — Official Emblem of The Church of Martial Arts

My wife is turning white.
I’m laughing.
This is California.
rattlesnakes are old hat to me.
Heck,
I should make up a rattlesnake kung fu style.
Specialize in the ‘one button strike,’
have some real fun.

I used to work at a school,
lots of kids at places like that,
and I was the official rattlesnake killer.
Some kid would hear a buzzing,
they’d call me,
and I’d go kill the sucker.

Take a shovel and chop his head off.

Oh! How cruel!
Unless he happens to bite your child.
Then you thank me.

Anyway,
you have to chop the head off,
and don’t touch the fangs,
and bury the head DEEP.
Venom has a shelf life of 25 years.
My son got stung by a bee when he was two,
arm swole up like a water balloon.
Doctor said the bee likely landed on a dead rattlesnake,
picked up some venom.
So my son got bit by a dead rattlesnake thanks to a bee.

And, if snakes aren’t enough,
there’s bobcats and bears up there!

But the worst predator up there,
the one the former owner made his wife carry a gun everywhere for,
was the two legged kind.

Anyway,
it is fun,
I’m really happy because I don’t care a fig about
rattlesnakes or bobcats or bears (oh my!)
or even the really deadly two legged varmints.
I know martial arts.
And here is something interesting…
Do you think the original monks at the Shaolin Temple
didn’t have to deal with…
snakes,
tigers,
deadly bugs,
and all that sort of thing?

Heck!
How do you think they came up with their martial arts?
Maybe that tiger form is the result of a man
who had to kill a tiger with only a knife?

So,
come to Monkeyland,
and maybe you’ll have to fight off a bear (grin)
or tangle with a bobcat (he he)
or wake up to find a rattlesnake tangled in your bedroll. (outright laughter)

Look,
I’m kidding here,
chances are you won’t see anything like that,
but I just want to get the idea across,
the martial arts are used in life or death situations.
And life or death situations are definitely out of the comfort zone.
So put aside your ho hum same old same old life,
come dedicate yourself to a life and death art
where the only distractions are
having to eke out a living,
and putting up with a two legged varmint like me. (bent over, slap the thigh, guffaw).

You can sleep in a cargo container,
cook your food over an open fire,
work out in an open faced tin garage,
and it will be something you ALWAYS remember.

And,
who knows,
maybe you’ll like it enough to become a live in monk.
Rattlesnakes, bobcats and bears, (oh my!)

Oinkey dokely?
Fine and dandy?
See ya.
Al

If you’ve got the Matrix Karate course,
you should look into KangDukWon.com.
The more you know before you get here,
the sooner you’ll become an official monk.

It always amuses me when I find out what people think kung fu at the shaolin temple, or any temple, was like.

walking the circle image — Walking the Circle has Subtle Applications!

Usually these thoughts come from fellows who find their way into my martial arts school. They grill me mercilessly, then, no matter what I have told them, they tell me that they want to go to a temple and sit at the feet of the masters. They want to swing swords with the monks and experience all the bizarre training routines that will enable them to beat up elephants and dragons, and pound their fists into unbreakable lumps of death.

Now, the truth of the shaolin temple is this: it had to support itself. That means the monks had to feed themselves, and this means every day.

Yes, they did martial arts, but, only after a day in the fields, or after building and repairing the walls and roofs, and even after sweeping up the leaves.

And, yes, the martial arts they did study after that were absolutely incredible…wing chun, preying mantis, hung gar, and so on.

But they worked before they did the martial arts.

Now, do you think the fellow who comes into my school, who usually isn’t working and who didn’t get through school, is going to have the stick-to-ivity, the necessary amount of muscles and concentration, to make it through the daily work at the Shaolin temple?

Is he going to be able to fix picks and shovels that broke? Repair the brickwork of crumbling walls? Get up on that roof and stop the rain from pouring in?

Is he going to be able to saunter twelve miles to the local village to sell vegetables from the temple gardens, and walk back, and then feel like doing a three hour workout in the martial arts?

And, is he going to be able to pick up a sword and fight bandits successfully?

Is he going to have the ability to help sick people from the neighboring village?

Is he going to be able to listen to long (boring?) lectures about religion?

Is he going to be educated enough to study the sacred scrolls,and maybe copy them for future monks?

I hope you see what I am getting at here. The real kung fu of the Shaolin Temple was more than just a good work out, it was a commitment of soul that most people would be in awe of…if they could even understand it.

Church of martial arts

Tag Archives: shaolin kung fu

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Monkeyland Gazette!

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