Rattlesnake Kung Fu at the Monkeyland Martial Arts Temple

Monkeyland Gazette!

Rattlesnake Kung fu

Greetings to the Faithful!
We are moving stuff up to Monkeyland this week.
Lot of fun.
12 hour work day fun!
Believe me,
it’s a relief to get back on the typer and send out a message.

That said, the message today is…rattlesnakes!
We’re up at Monkeyland,
talking to the former owner,
and now the truth comes out.
When he was selling the property it was,
‘oh, we never see snakes around here.’
Now that the property is sold he says,
‘Had a rattlesnake crawl in the house last week.
Only one button on the tail,
couldn’t hardly hear the fellow.
The young uns are the deadliest, you know.
They latch on and they don’t know how to let go,
just keep right on pumping that poison into you.

monkey kung fu

Official Emblem of The Church of Martial Arts


My wife is turning white.

I’m laughing.
This is California.
rattlesnakes are old hat to me.
Heck,
I should make up a rattlesnake kung fu style.
Specialize in the ‘one button strike,’
have some real fun.

I used to work at a school,
lots of kids at places like that,
and I was the official rattlesnake killer.
Some kid would hear a buzzing,
they’d call me,
and I’d go kill the sucker.

Take a shovel and chop his head off.

Oh! How cruel!
Unless he happens to bite your child.
Then you thank me.

Anyway,
you have to chop the head off,
and don’t touch the fangs,
and bury the head DEEP.
Venom has a shelf life of 25 years.
My son got stung by a bee when he was two,
arm swole up like a water balloon.
Doctor said the bee likely landed on a dead rattlesnake,
picked up some venom.
So my son got bit by a dead rattlesnake thanks to a bee.

And, if snakes aren’t enough,
there’s bobcats and bears up there!

But the worst predator up there,
the one the former owner made his wife carry a gun everywhere for,
was the two legged kind.

Anyway,
it is fun,
I’m really happy because I don’t care a fig about
rattlesnakes or bobcats or bears (oh my!)
or even the really deadly two legged varmints.
I know martial arts.
And here is something interesting…
Do you think the original monks at the Shaolin Temple
didn’t have to deal with…
snakes,
tigers,
deadly bugs,
and all that sort of thing?

Heck!
How do you think they came up with their martial arts?
Maybe that tiger form is the result of a man
who had to kill a tiger with only a knife?

So,
come to Monkeyland,
and maybe you’ll have to fight off a bear (grin)
or tangle with a bobcat (he he)
or wake up to find a rattlesnake tangled in your bedroll. (outright laughter)

Look,
I’m kidding here,
chances are you won’t see anything like that,
but I just want to get the idea across,
the martial arts are used in life or death situations.
And life or death situations are definitely out of the comfort zone.
So put aside your ho hum same old same old life,
come dedicate yourself to a life and death art
where the only distractions are
having to eke out a living,
and putting up with a two legged varmint like me. (bent over, slap the thigh, guffaw).

You can sleep in a cargo container,
cook your food over an open fire,
work out in an open faced tin garage,
and it will be something you ALWAYS remember.

And,
who knows,
maybe you’ll like it enough to become a live in monk.
Rattlesnakes, bobcats and bears, (oh my!)

Oinkey dokely?
Fine and dandy?
See ya.
Al

If you’ve got the Matrix Karate course,
you should look into KangDukWon.com.
The more you know before you get here,
the sooner you’ll become an official monk.

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